


Your Black And White Thing

by grapeboy



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: But probably a fair amount of angst to reflect what we're all going through, Its gonna get real fluffy soon I promise, M/M, Oblivious!, Sharing Clothes, transfer rumors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-01-13 15:31:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18471805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grapeboy/pseuds/grapeboy
Summary: Kai is weirdly touchy about transfers and Julian can't stop thinking about Kai featuring the jacket™





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> \- Because nobody else is writing Bravertz, you're STUCK WITH ME AND MY NEED FOR IT (100% fiction of course)

Kai was with Julian when he bought it.

 

It was a Nike jacket, mostly black with white stripes down the arms and a little diamond on the right side with red lettering in it: N S W. Looking at it hanging in a thick of other jackets just like it, Julian picked it out. He liked it. He could see himself wearing it. And those were two things that didn’t always go together. Also, he knew Jannis would get a kick out of the small bit of color, probably freaking out about some photography thing he could do with it.

 

Julian nodded to himself and satisfied, took it off the rack. He held it up to the light.

 

“What do you think?” Julian said, holding it in front of Kai, who was leaning against a row of bright orange neon t-shirts. Kai looked up from his phone, absentmindedly. He frowned slightly and then laughed.

 

“Thought it was a Gladbach jacket.” He smirked before looking down again at his phone.

 

Julian rolled his eyes. “Why would _I_ be interested in a _Gladbach_ jacket?” _Huh, it kinda does look like the Gladbach symbol._

 

Kai shrugged. “You could give Bild another article to write. Never too early to be thinking about your future!” His voice was mocking and he grinned but it fell away quickly.

 

“My future? Kai, what do you mean?” Julian asked, distracted by the clothing in front of him. _Looks like leather? Maybe. The white stripes might be a bit funny._

 

“Can’t stay at Leverkusen forever.” Kai’s voice was oddly quiet. Julian turned to look at him again. He was biting his lip and his eyebrows were scrunched.

 

“Um, yeah. Gladbach isn’t really on the list though.” Julian shot him a confused look and started trying to talk again when Kai interrupted him.

 

“There’s a list?” His voice was a bit wobbly.

 

Julian sighed. “No—uh —I don’t know Kai. It’s too early to be thinking about it right now, you know that, so I’m not going to.”

 

Kai bit his lip harder and looked like he was going to say something. Then he breathed out through his nose and said, “Yeah, yeah you’re right.” He sat down on the bench next to the shirts.

 

Julian looked back at the jacket. “Ok but what do you think of it?” He gave it an enticing twirl.

 

Kai shrugged again. “Fit’s your black and white thing,” he muttered and looked down. Julian gave him an annoyed look. “Fine, yes I like it. Do you need my approval on everything?” He snapped.

 

“Yes, we’re shopping together, Kai.” Julian sighed. _What is up with him??_ Julian studied him. His face looked worried still and he was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

 

“Kai,” he started softly, leaning down until he was face to face with him. “I will tell you if I’m seriously considering leaving ok? I promise.” He squeezed his hand.

 

“Ok,” Kai answered quietly, looking more calm.

 

“I just need your expert fashion advice, and then we can go.”

 

Kai smiled a little bit at that. “Oh yes, you really do,” he answered with fake seriousness. Standing up, he gave the jacket another look. He looked at Julian and nodded. “Passes my test. Now you own…one good jacket.” Julian smacked him with his bag, eliciting a giggle from Kai. “Kidding, Juli, but it’s a good one.”

* * *

 

_After winning the player of the month_

Julian felt a spring in his step as he stepped out of his car. It always felt good to get recognition for the hard work he did, even if he couldn’t imagine his life in any other way. He just wanted to be the best player he could be, for Germany, for Leverkusen, for whatever club came next.

 

He shut the car door and walked up the little stone pathway that led to the door. Opening the door, he shouted “Janniiiisss! Nalaaaaa!”

 

“SURPRISE!” Kai and Jannis jumped at him with hugs and Julian almost fell back against the glass pain of the door.

 

“Hiiii you two.” He said, burying his head into Kai’s shoulder, who was doing most of the hugging.

 

When they broke apart, Kai smiled, “Nice jacket.”

 

“Thought I would break it out for a test run for the FIFA team of the month people.” Julian said.

 

Kai nodded and looked him up and down. “Looks good on you.”

 

Decidedly ignoring the tingle in his stomach after that remark, Julian turned to Jannis. “What do you think?”

 

Jannis gave him a confused look. “I told you this morning, I love it! I am planning to steal it for a picture.”

 

Julian shook himself. “Oh, yeah right.” He did remember dramatically showing off his jacket in front of sleepy Jannis who was still eating cereal that morning and asking him for his opinion on it. _Weird how memory slips sometimes_ , he thought to himself.

 

As he followed his excitedly babbling brother and best friend, his mind started to wander to times that Kai had jumped into his arms. _Would the jacket be to slippery? Would he slide out? No, he could grab onto my neck probably._

 

“Aye! Jule!” Jannis said, waving his hand in front of his face.

 

Julian shook himself. “Did you just call me Jule?” Jannis cackled malevolently. Julian shook his head, “You know I don’t care as much as you think—“

 

Jannis interrupted him. “I was just telling Kai about how you were talking the Dortmund interest the other day.”

 

Julian felt his stomach drop like a rock. “Jannis…” He looked at Kai who was smiling but his eyes were a whole different story. “I was just talking about the rumors.”

 

“You said you would really like to go!” Jannis piped up. Julian turned to glare at him, who seemed to be completely oblivious to the obvious tension in the room. He gave Julian a confused look, before saying, “Are you guys hungry yet? I’m going to order the pizza.” And he went to the next room in search of his phone.

 

Julian’s eyes followed him out of the room but he could feel Kai’s gaze on him. He sighed, “He made it sound like I was seriously considering it, which I’m no—“

 

“You and your agent were talking.” Kai’s voice was level.

 

Julian inhaled. “Yes, we did, just preliminary things, like what it would be like, but I’ve not even remotely committed.” He stared into Kai’s eyes, hoping he could get his earnestness across.

 

Kai turned away from him. “Just keep me updated.” He crossed his arms, picking at the cracks in the wooden floor with his foot.

 

“There’s nothing to keep you updated on right now, I swear to you Kai.” He stayed silent, still looking at the floor. Julian walked over to him and lifted his head so that they were face to face. “I swear to you.” His eyes bore holes into Kai’s green ones.

 

“Ok.” Kai answered. The longer they looked at each other, the faster Julian’s heart was beating. But he somehow couldn’t stop staring into those eyes. He was keenly aware of his fingertips still on Kai’s chin and the fact the Kai’s mouth was slightly open. He gulped and moved closer in _what am I doing what am I doing what am I doing…_

 

Kai snaked an arm around his waist. His eyes were round and he kept biting his lip. “You have really blue eyes.” He said. Julian could feel his breath hot on his face. Close, so..so..close…

 

“Am I interrupting something?” Kai and Julian whipped around to see Jannis, standing in the doorway with a smirk on his face. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence before Julian burst out giggling into Kai’s shoulder, who joined him not long after.

 

“What? You do have really blue eyes!!” Kai said indignantly, laughing all the while.

 

“Well your eyes are kinda light green.” Julian said and then looked at them, as if he hadn’t been looking at them for the past moments. “Yeah, definitely. Whoa some yellow in their too?”

 

“Really??”

 

“Were you guys…just studying each others eyes?” Jannis said, in a tired voice. He mumbled something under his breath.

 

“Come here, Jannis, can you see the yellow?” Julian grabbed Kai’s hand and tugged him over.

 

“Yeah I can.” Jannis, barely giving Kai’s eyes a look, was far less interested in this phenomenon than Julian and Kai were. Suddenly the doorbell rang, “Hey, Pizza is here!” Jannis paused, and seeing that Julian and Kai were busy, sighed loudly and went to the door.

 

As soon as he went out of the room, both of their smiles dropped. “Ehm, Julian, we should—“ _No we shouldn’t._

 

“Pizza is here Kai, let’s get it!”

* * *

 

_Evening before international break_

“Ah again! I’m the best in the world.” Julian threw the controller aside and put his hands behind his head.

 

Jannis groaned. “You always say that,” he said through gritted teeth.

 

“It’s because I win all the time!” Julian answered with absolute glee. He felt relaxed. International break was tomorrow, he had the Amsterdam trip to look forward to, and he was solidly the Fortnite champion of the house.

 

“Psssshhhh that’s a lie and you know it.” Jannis shook his head.

 

Julian wouldn’t let it go so quickly. “Say it Jannis, you know I’m right. What are we at…5 out of 7 now?”

 

Jannis’ face was getting more angry and more sullen as Julian’s grin got wider and wider. “At least I have a life,” he grumbled. Then he smiled malevolently. “And at least I’ve kissed the person I like.”

 

Julian whipped his head around. “What’s that supposed to mean?” But Jannis only raised his eyebrows suggestively. “I don’t ‘like’ anybody right now, I’m not 12,” Julian said, crossing his arms.

 

Jannis just snorted. “You’re dumber than I thought.” He shook his head and took a drink of his beer. “Just kiss him during international break, I don’t think I can handle it anymore,” he sighed.

 

Julian felt his face turn bright red as he realized who Jannis was talking about. “Psshhawwww I no what? That’s just—no I mean ok? No I mean no no nO! What are? Please stop— I ugh… definitely not!!” he spluttered.

 

Jannis laughed and stood up, coming over and patting him on the head. “If the feeling’s not mutual, I’ll sing your Fortnite praises for a whole year,” he said and stuck out his hand to Julian.

 

Julian was still in shock for a moment. “Wait a second…mutual? Who said— I didn’t say anything of the sort.”

 

Jannis groaned again. “I’ll just let you think that through for tonight. I’m holding you to that bet! If he doesn’t feel the same way, I will only know one Fortnite master.” He bowed to Julian and then started to leave but stopped, pausing before the door.

 

“If you could see the way he looks at you, you wouldn’t be worried.” There he left him, catatonic on the couch. 

 

Jannis’ words ran through his head over…and over again.

 

_Just kiss him during international break!_

_If the feeling’s not mutual…_

_Feelings_

_Mutual_

 

_Mutual?_

_Feelings??_

_Feelings???????_

 

 

_Yeah. Feelings…._

 

Julian sighed. He should have realized it sooner, that he was in love with his best friend. He hit his head against the cushions of the couch. It was probably obvious to everyone and everyone knew. E v e r y o n e. Kai probably knew, Kai—

 

_If you could see the way he looks at you, you wouldn’t be worried._

_If you could see the way he looks at you, you wouldn’t be worried._

_If you could see the way he looks at you, you wouldn’t be worried._

_If you could see the way he looks at you, you wouldn’t be worried._

_If you could see the way he looks at you, you wouldn’t be worried._

 

Needless to say, Julian didn’t sleep much that night. Those thoughts ran around and around in his head. He knew Jannis was right, that he should tell Kai. He should have told Kai. Should have told him that day the almost kissed. But now he was imagining every single way and situation where _confessing_  could go wrong. It bled into his dreams. And when the light began to sift through the curtains of the living room and he woke up from some sort of sleep, all he remembered was Kai running away from him in disgust. Julian rubbed his eyes and sighed. It was going to be a long international break.

 

But he had to tell him now. Especially after he was called out and everything (by his own brother!). Oh well. Worse comes to worse, he would lose his best friend but his brother will have to call him a Fortnite champion for a whole year so it would be fine, just...fine!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I started writing this before all the transfer rumors for Jule came out so...guess it's going to continue to be a big theme...  
> \- I have a sort of plan where this is going to go but I also want to see what happens irl  
> \- Comments/Kudos greatly appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It took him until right before the end of international break, as they were getting ready to go to Amsterdam, before he could gather his courage and wits to actually do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- sorry for the long wait !!! its been busy but hopefully in a week or so i will have more time and can update more frequently

The first time Julian tried was right after the interview with the DFB.During the interview, he had felt confident. Between him and Kai, it was always him that was the talkative one when the camera was rolling. Kai once told him he was nervous when doing interviews so Julian always took it upon himself to talk as much as he could so Kai wouldn’t have to.

 

When the interviewers told them to just talk about each other, he almost quipped, “easiest interview in the world!” But his heart stopped for a moment as he looked at Kai and remembered Jannis’ bet. _Too obvious,_ he thought to himself. _You’re supposed to tell him you like him dummy!_

 

At first Julian couldn’t look at Kai while he talked. But as soon as he cracked “he’s one of the funniest people I have gotten to know in the past years, although very sensitive.” and Kai laughed, it was like he couldn’t stop looking at him. Kai’s grin after that was the motivation he needed to tell him.

 

As soon as the interviewers signaled that they were done, all of Julian’s confidence drained out of him. As he walked with Kai back to their rooms, he felt himself shaking profusely.

 

Kai was silent as usual, bumping into him occasionally but not quite noticing that he was doing so. Julian was hyperaware of every touch they made which didn’t help his nervousness.

 

“Einfühlsam (sensitive), huh?” Kai sniggered. “I’m not that bad.”

 

Julian laughed forcibly. “Yeah you are. Defensive especially. Remember when I told you that you had bad taste in food because you liked pineapple on pizza and you looked up scientific facts to prove why those flavors are good together?” _God, I’m so in love._

 

Kai smiled ashamedly. “Ok, fine, sometimes.” As Kai looked over at him, Julian felt his breath get caught in his throat and he couldn’t speak for the next thirty minutes without falling into a coughing fit. Kai had to sit with him and bring him cups of water until he was okay again. By that time, it was already time to train.

 

Missed chance number 1.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The second time he tried to say something was after the Peru game. Kai had gone over to his room and was lying on his bed playing Fortnite. Julian hadn’t felt like playing it.

 

“Diggah what?” Kai said flabbergasted.

 

“I’m tired.” Julian whined. He flopped on his bed. “You can play though, I know I’m the one who brought it.”

 

“Wanna clear my head and there’s no piano here.” Kai shrugged and he plopped down on Julian’s bed and started playing.

 

The lights were low and the sound was down so that you could only hear faint grunts and music from the game. Julian had tried to read a bit but his mind was scattered and he felt frustrated. The game was anything but satisfying but not bad enough to be really angry about anything.To try to distract himself, he shifted his attention to watching Kai beat a bunch of poor 12 year olds at Fornite.

 

“You’re being a bit harsh, don’t you think?” He said.

 

Kai smirked. “It’ll be a learning experience. Always better to play people better in skill, Jule, you know that from playing with me.”

 

Julian threw a pillow at him. “You’re too cocky for someone who lost to me the last time we played.” He tutted.

 

Bored and sinking back into frustration, he grabbed his phone and started scrolling through it, hoping that would wash the bad taste away. He steered away from the sped up delicious food videos, not wanting to get hungry so late at night, and found a page dedicated to cute animals.

 

Soon enough, he felt his eyes dropping and he dropped his phone down as his head slipped. Suddenly he was aware that his head had settled on Kai’s shoulder so he jerked up violently.

 

“Jule, it’s ok if you want to sleep on me.” Kai murmured, not looking over. His voice was soft with no hint of ridicule. Julian felt his face go entirely red. His mind screamed _perfect time perfect time perfect time._

 

He cleared his throat. “Kai?”

 

Kai fist pumped after winning another round and then looked curiously over at Julian. “Yeah?”

 

“Ummmmmmmmmmmm…..” _What was I going to say?_ Kai gave him a confused look.

 

“Jule, you aren’t going to start coughing again are you?” He smiled slightly but looked a little worried.

 

Julian laughed. “No, no, I just—“ He sighed as a wave a tiredness hit him. It just didn’t feel right? Didn’t feel right. He would wait until they both started and scored in the next game against the Netherlands. He wasn’t putting it off…just waiting for the right time.

 

Missed Chance 2.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The Germany Netherlands game went well, of course, even if it was not quite the way Julian had wanted. There was a whole new vibe among the players now though and all the celebration distracted Julian from the bet he had with his brother.

 

It took him until right before the end of international break, as they were getting ready to go to Amsterdam, before he could gather his courage and wits to actually do it.

 

Kai was lying on his back in Julian’s bed, his ankles dangling off, scrolling through his phone. He was slighting star fishing, hands and legs spread out in such a way that the piles of clothes that Julian had so carefully folded were under him.

 

Julian tugged at a pile of t-shirts that were under Kai’s arm. “Aye! What are you doing? I almost liked this meme and it wasn’t even that funny,” Kai yelped, as he noticed his elbow moving.

 

Julian laughed. “I’m trying to finish packing so we can go! Amsterdam Havey, remember?”

 

Kai gently caressed his arm, as if it were horribly injured and looked up at Julian, pouting. “I could be out for three weeks for that, Juli.” He paused and cocked his head. “You’re wearing that again?”

 

Julian looked down and noticed he was wearing the jacket they bought together. “Yeah? Thought you liked it.”

 

Kai rolled over on the bed and Julian winced as he covered the rest of the neatly folded clothes. “I liked it but you wear it to everything.”

 

“Says the guy who said I had just one nice jacket.” Julian grumbled, stuffing the pile of clothes in his suitcase.

 

“Don’t tell me you’re wearing it because I approved of it!” Kai teased, poking Julian when he came close again.

 

Julian felt his mouth dry out and his heart rate increase. _Should I do it now? Should I do it now?_ To cover his panic, he sighed loudly. “No, I am not. I happen to like the jacket myself. Now can you please get off the bed so we can leave?”

 

His voice has gotten gradually louder and by the end he was slightly shouting. Kai, _einfühlsam_ as ever, jumped off the bed, his face crumpling slightly. He turned to the wall and pulled the hood over his head, sullenly looking at his phone.

 

“I’m sorry Kai.” He stuffed the rest of his flattened clothes into his suitcase. “I just— Um yeah.”

 

Kai was silent. He wasn’t scrolling through his phone, just looking at the blank screen, Julian noticed. He looked like he was waiting for something and well, _now’s a good time as any._

 

“I should ehm probably talk tooooo you about something.” Julian’s voice wobbled profusely. He felt like he was breathing too much or not enough or maybe his heart wasn’t working right? _Scheiße._

 

“Yeah?” Kai turned around, phone dropping to his side.

 

Julian looked at the room, fussing about with his bags. “I guess I am wearing this jacket because you said you liked it.” He yanked the zipper of his suitcase.

 

“That’s it?” Kai sounded disappointed.

 

“Aaaand,” Julian started but the zipper got stuck again. “Oh no I think I packed this too full?” Kai heaved a frustrated sigh. Jannis’ words came to him: _If you could see the way he looks at you…_ His head moved mechanically to look up at Kai. He was holding his phone, his knuckles white. Julian stood up and faced him. _…you definitely wouldn’t be worried._

 

_Now or never, huh? Fortnite master for a whole year…_ “When Jannis was in the other room…did you also want to kiss me?”

 

_God I hope he remembers that as well as I do._ Kai looked like he got hit with a ton a bricks, his eyes widening more than usual. Julian felt the blood roar in his ears so much that he could almost not hear Kai’s response.

 

“Yes.”

 

Julian felt his mind go blank, getting lost in Kai’s stare. He didn’t know what to do now. He hadn’t prepared for this at all, being so forward. And now there’s only one thing he wanted to. He walked over to Kai but something was rooting him to the floor, stopping him from closing the space between them.

 

“You have really blue eyes.” Kai said, deadpan.

 

“You have really green eyes.” Julian responded, trying to hide his smile at the reference. Kai stared back, his mouth twitching before he laughed and looked down at the ground.

 

“Shut up and kiss me, you idiot.” Kai said. Julian didn’t need to be told twice. When their lips finally met, it was…electrifying and freeing at the same time. Something that had been taboo in his mind for so long was finally happening. Kai’s hands ran down his back and he involuntarily shivered. _Fuck._

 

They broke apart and Julian looked at Kai’s sparkling eyes. Pushing Kai’s hair aside and running his hands through it, he said, “Jannis is coming soon. We should finish packing.”

 

Kai sighed loudly. “Can’t believe I have to wait all day to kiss you again.”

 

“Jannis knows.” Julian laughed. “Or rather, he guessed.”

 

Kai blushed and looked abashedly at the ground. “I might have told him.”

 

“WHAT, that little shit. He just said ‘if you could see the way he looks at you’, like he was some guru or something.” Julian shook his head. He couldn’t bring himself to step out of Kai’s arms.

 

Kai smiled softly. “I probably was pretty obvious. It’s pretty hard getting you to notice, so glad he got you to confess your love.” Julian giggled and snorted at the same time.

 

“He said I had to kiss you on international break.” He said, thumbing the side of Kai’s face. They stared at each other again, as if taking in each other’s faces for the first time. It was a first time of sorts.

 

Kai licked his lips. “Do you want to kiss me again?” As if Julian would say no to that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Jannis had already been waiting in his car for a while when Julian came out of the complex.

 

He smirked when he saw Julian’s ridiculously goofy grin, flushed cheeks, and messy hair. “Where’s Kai?”

 

Julian whipped his head to Jannis and then laughed. “He’s coming.” He was humming softly as he put his suitcase in the back seat and clambered into the front seat.

 

“So was I right or was I right?” Jannis said after Julian got settled. Kai was just walking out of the complex. He smiled when he saw them which made Julian’s heart flip. Again.

 

He turned to glare at his brother but still couldn’t stop smiling. “A little bird told me that you already knew.” His voice softened when Kai opened the back. “Hi Havey.” Kai flashed him a grin and blushed, before shutting the trunk and climbing into the backseat.

 

“So when are you moving in, Kai?” Jannis asked, raising his eyebrows mischievously as they drove out onto the highway.

 

Kai’s face turned more red than before but he answered, deadpan, “Next month.” He reached for Julian’s shoulder and squeezed it. “We’re turning Jannis’ room into a game room, right?” He leaned forward and rested his chin on the back of the seat.

 

Julian laughed and turned to give him a kiss on the nose. “That’s right, honey! Jannis is sleeping in the kitchen now.” They hadn’t decided on pet names yet but any opportunity to take the piss out of his brother he had to take.

 

Jannis sighed loudly. “Maybe I should’ve left you guys staring at each other instead of this.”

 

“Bold of you to assume we can’t do both.” Kai said. “Oh Jule, your eyes…so blue.”

 

Julian cackled. This was the beginning of something beautiful, he thought to himself. His phone buzzed and he looked down. It was a text from his agent.

 

_Juventus now too. We need to seriously talk about next season._

 

Something cold gripped Julian’s heart as he quickly shut off his phone. This was the last thing he wanted to think about now, with Kai’s hair softly tickling his neck.

 

“What’s wrong, Julian?” Jannis asked him. He put his phone to the side as Nummer Unterdrückt started playing on the speakers.

 

“Ju?” Kai’s voice came softly behind him. He turned around to look at his friend—boyfriend: his wide eyes, the lines corners of his mouth, softly arching eyebrows. Yeah it was the beginning but was the end in sight? Kai started to look down at Julian’s phone which had lit up again as it lay in his his lap. Julian quickly switched it off and gave Kai an unconvincing smile.

 

“Nothing’s wrong.” He smiled again, as if to convince himself. “So Jannis, you doing pictures tomorrow?”

 

Jannis grinned. “I just got a new camera for the occasion.”

 

“Can I borrow your jacket?” Kai said, smiling sweetly.

 

Julian felt his heart leap a little bit and then sink again. “We’ll see.” He said mysteriously. Of course he was going to let the love of his life borrow a jacket, why did he say that? But the nervousness sat, eating away at him in the pit of his stomach.

 

_We need to seriously talk about next season._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amsterdam trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- this trip was the inspiration to this story in the first place...  
> \- teeth rotting fluff and warning for those allergic to lactose bc this is cheesy   
> \- s/o to fivesecrets for just being encouraging and amazing, hope you enjoy :)

By the time they arrived in Amsterdam, Kai’s head was in Julian’s lap and Julian was running his hands through his hair.

 

“If I crash, you’re gonna go flying, Kai.” Jannis shouted over RAF Camora blasting through the speakers.

 

“Don’t crash then!” Kai shouted back. He grinned up at Julian. “Look at this picture I just found.” He sat up and wriggled over so that his body was pressed against Julian’s. [The photo](https://www.facebook.com/kaihavertz29/photos/a.750868545063075/1175290912620834/?type=3&theater) was them leaning their heads against each other during the last international break from Kai’s facebook.

 

“You still look facebook?” Julian sniggered, pushing lips to Kai’s forehead.

 

Kai turned to glare at him. “Shut up, I was bored.” A smile began to form on his face and he laughed. “That was the staring contest we did right? And I absolutely obliterated you?”

 

Julian sighed. “It’s not fair. You have distractingly pretty eyes.” He grinned mischievously. Before this morning, Julian had to think of a good comeback to shut Kai up. Now, he could just flirt with him. It was perfect. This was perfect. Everything was…perfect.

 

Kai blushed furiously and spluttered before rolling his eyes. “Not a good excuse.” He mumbled and then added quietly, “Thank you,” before kissing him. Yeah, Julian could live with this.

 

The car door suddenly opened. “GAYS! We’re here.” Jannis shouted.

 

As they clambered out of the car, Kai said, “That’s bi erasure.” Jannis shoved him in eloquent response.

 

“We’re still meeting your old friend from Bayer, right?” He asked Julian.

 

Julian nodded. “Yeah I told Marlon we’d be here.” Marlon Frey arrived in due time. After hellos and misremembered handshakes, the four of them began to stroll through the city.

 

They went sight seeing. Went shopping. Caught up with each other. Ate lunch. Jannis took a bajillion pictures. But Julian was distracted the entire time. He would look at Kai and Kai would smile back and he would all the sudden be in a state of elated ecstasy remembering that Kai! Liked! Him! Back! But then his mood would abruptly switch when he remembered the texts that were just sitting on his phone and the transfer option that hung over his head. He knew that the second he looked at them, his face would give everything away and right now he wanted to forget that any club outside of Leverkusen existed.

 

“Can I wear it now?” Kai’s voice shocked him from his thoughts, along with a buzz notification from his phone. Kai’s nose brushed against his cheek and his fingers danced along the stripes on the sleeves. Julian shivered.

 

“Kai wait.” He went over to the bench on the sidewalk and got out his phone. Kai followed him, a worried look on his face. He tried to sit down next to Julian and say something but Marlon beat him to it.

 

“Why don’t you like FIFA anymore, Havey?”

 

_Good, let them have a conversation._ Julian took a deep breath and made sure that they were not paying attention before he turned on his phone and read the texts from his agent. There was one new one.

 

_Brandt remember it’s ultimately your choice. Don’t play safe in familiarity, you want to play in the champions league._

 

Julian heard a sharp intake of air behind him and he whipped his head to see Kai quickly avert his eyes. _Shit_. He looked back down at his phone and heard [Jannis’ camera snap](https://66.media.tumblr.com/0e41ff19904845073e5e547d2a2716b7/tumblr_pozm7a0Tak1rixgg5_1280.png). He felt like he was in a nightmare, he couldn’t think or move fast enough to react to anything. He just sat there, reading the message over and over again. He was dimly aware of Marlon getting up and walking toward Jannis. Then he felt an arm on his leg. It was Kai. They made eye contact for a good 10 seconds and Kai looked like he was going to say something again.

 

But he shook his head and smiled. “Come on, Jule. It’s a vacation day. You don’t look good when you’re sad.” He grabbed Julian’s hand and squeezed it, before gently rubbing his thumb across it.

 

_Ok, we can ignore this together, I’m ok with that._ “I look good all the time, Kai, don’t lie.” Julian grinned at him and stood up, pulling Kai with him.

 

As they walked toward Marlon and Jannis, Kai said, “You know, we’re gonna get in the UCL next season. You won’t have to worry, I promise.” Julian smiled gratefully at him. He was right. He could stay at Leverkusen, wouldn’t have to worry at all. Kai would save them like he always did.

 

Later, as he became more relaxed, Julian relented and let Kai wear the jacket. It was worth the ecstatic grin on Kai’s face and the secret kiss on the cheek when they hugged. Every touch, ever glance, every meeting of eyes was exciting, like it was the first time they had ever done it.

 

Marlon left a few hours later. The two of them began excitedly discussing the next few games. Jannis was busy taking pictures of almost everything, ignoring his role as a third wheel quite successfully. As the clouds began to gather in the late afternoon, Kai and Julian noticed that they lost Jannis a block away. The pair sat down on a park bench and waited for him.

 

“Last I saw him, he was trying to take a picture of that pigeon with a red ribbon,” Julian said, shaking his head.

 

Kai laughed softly. “That’ll take him a while to get the perfect picture. Hope he doesn’t run after it and get lost.”

 

Julian sighed. “Then we’d have to spend the rest of the day looking for him, oh god no. Wouldn’t be the first time too.”

 

“Looking for who?” Jannis appeared behind them. He sat next to Julian and turned on his camera again.

 

“Some idiot who was taking pictures of birds.” Julian muttered. Kai laughed and Julian thought his heart would fly out of his mouth, which was usually an unpleasant sensation he felt before penalties but today he could not get enough of it. It certainly helped that Kai was laughing at his bad jokes and that he wearing his jacket. Every time Kai looked down at it and seemed so damn pleased, Julian’s stomach would flutter.

 

Looking at him now, Julian thought _if only I could save this picture forever…for when he can’t smile like this._ Suddenly it occurred to him that he could. He turned to Jannis who rolled his eyes knowingly. “I know you would want a picture of him in your jacket, you sap.”

 

When he showed Julian [the picture](https://66.media.tumblr.com/4699aec409616ffa4777cdc47576487c/tumblr_pozm7cPHYR1rixgg5_1280.jpg), Julian smiled. “I think it’s our jacket now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- the pigeon has no meaning but let's just say it was the dortmund pigeon for kicks  
> \- pretty short i know, i have more (the angst finally) that i thought would be better as another chapter which i'll probably post v soon


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Losing two games in a row.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- apparently i can only write really fluffy and then really angsty! sorry for the abrupt change... next chapter should be soon (i finally have time to churn them out!)

The vibration from the stomping of Julian's cleats shot up his leg after the Werder Bremen game as he walked off the field to the dressing room. He could feel the frustration and anger filling his head as every failed attempt that game flashed before his eyes. It was not their day, it was not their day, yeah yeah. He had felt like a cat chasing a laser pointer, trying to get the ball into the goal. And the fan’s disappointed sighs cut through him hard and drained him more and more until by the end of the game, he had nothing left to give.

 

Kai was waiting for him in the car by the time he got there. They were already riding to games together long before they started ‘dating’. What had changed was now they would go to the same place. 

 

Kai’s face was deadpan and he looked exhausted. Julian opened the door and before Kai would say anything, said, “Your house. Don’t want to deal with Jannis.” Kai nodded silently and peeled out of the parking lot.

 

There was no music playing, neither of them made a move to try to put some on. Julian couldn’t bring himself to look at Kai or talk to him at all.He stared at the black leather on the seat until patterns swam in front of his eyes. Last game was the snow game, where Kai had made him the proudest boyfriend in the world. This game…there was nothing. Just letting down the home fans and themselves.

 

Kai drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, breaking the silence. “Good assist.” He said.

 

“Hm.” Julian nodded weakly. “Not enough for the champions league.”

 

Kai took a sharp intake of air and the drumming of his fingers got louder. “You’re right.” He responded half heartedly. “Sorry.” Julian knew he should say something, lean over and kiss him and tell him _it’s not your fault, you’ve done so much for the team_ but he stayed silent.

 

They pulled into Kai’s driveway. Julian got out mechanically and trudged toward the door slowly so that Kai would have time to lock the doors and catch up to him before he got to the door. When he got in the house, he went straight to the couch.

 

“Drink?” Kai was in the kitchen and filling up a glass of water. Julian shook his head and patted the area next to him. Kai walked dutifully over and sat down into his arms. He tucked his head into the crook of Kai’s neck and heaved a shaky sigh.

 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been the best boyfriend lately.” He whispered into Kai’s shirt.

 

Kai swallowed. “I’m sorry I didn’t score.”

 

Julian looked up at him and rolled his eyes. “You can’t be perfect if we aren’t there to help you, Kai. _I_ should’ve converted more of my shots, I should have—“ He shook his head. “No use. We look forward to the next game.”

 

Kai nodded. “Hoffenheim away. A challenge, but we can do it.” He smiled. “We’re getting you into the champions league.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

If Werder was a tipping point, then Hoffenheim was falling into the chasm of frustration. Julian didn’t even want to face Kai after the game, let alone have a whole bus ride back with him. But Kai was quiet too and the bus ride back ended up being a harmony of them blissfully ignoring everyone else’s existence, just like the good couple they were. When they arrived in Leverkusen, they walked together in silence to the car.

 

When they got seated, Kai spoke. “I’ve been thinking. What if we don’t make it to the CL? What will you do?” He looked over, his face deadly serious.

 

“I-I don’t know yet,” Julian answered helplessly. The air was thick with tension and anxiety but maybe he was just projecting. For better or for worse, he knew he should tell Kai everything right now.

“The only two clubs I have been remotely interested in that my agent has talked to are Dortmund and Liverpool.” He felt his breath speed up and he found himself again looking at the black leather on his seat that was lit up my the street lights.

“But the idea of leaving Leverkusen— leaving you— is not one I like to think about at all.” He found himself shaking, his whole body vibrating like his phone getting another text from his agent, another text he didn’t want to think about. To get words out at all right now, he had to force them out which made his voice loud and choppy.

“I want to give my all to Bayer and not think about the future right now but it’s really hard not too, really hard. The media never lets me forget it and- and- neither do you.”

 

He didn’t mean to end on such an accusing tone as that but it was true. Every time he looked at Kai after a bad game or even after a missed goal, Kai’s eyes always seemed to be asking the question, always seemed to be those scared eyes wondering if he would leave him. And it broke Julian. This was supposed to be happy! They finally admitted their love for each other! But instead, Kai served as a constant reminder that happiness would end all too soon.

 

Kai put his keys in the ignition and drove out of the parking lot. He didn’t talk for a whole ten minutes and Julian didn’t look at him. He didn’t want to see his expression at all, didn’t want to know if he was upset, angry, or surprised.

 

Kai finally broke the silence with “We need a night apart,” and Julian finally looked at him. He looked sad and tired and Julian hated that he had caused that. But he knew he was right.

 

He nodded. “Yeah,” he said as they pulled into his and Jannis’ house. As he was getting out of the car, he stopped. He needed to show Kai he still loved him. That he wasn’t himself right now. That his frustration was from the game and anxiety and he could not bear to live without him.

 

“Text me when you get home.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Jannis’ voice barely registered at first. In a sleepy haze, Julian patted the area next to him expecting a warm body to be there. Instead there was…nothing. He felt himself slipping off and jerking up, he realized he was lying on the couch.

 

“Jule, where’s kai? Why are you on the couch?” He finally got his eyes all the way open and saw Jannis in a bathrobe with a cup of coffee standing over him. His head was cocked to one side and he looked concerned.

 

Julian shook himself awake and rubbed his eyes. “Decided we needed a night apart.” He got up and stretched, walking himself toward the kitchen in search of coffee.

 

Jannis shuffled quickly after him. “You guys never need a ‘night apart’. You being apart is sitting on opposite sides of the sofa.”

 

Julian found a half pot still in the coffee maker and grabbed a cup. “We’re fine Jannis. It’s nothing big.” He poured the coffee in there and took a sip before spitting it out. “Disgusting, this is cold. How old is this?”

 

Jannis shrugged. “I think it was yours from yesterday. I’m drinking tea.”

 

“Tea?” Julian spat. “Why the fuck would you drink tea?”

 

“Chill,” Jannis said. He grabbed the coffee pot and poured the rest of it out. “Obviously ‘nothing big’ was a big fat lie.” Julian rubbed his head but said nothing. “Marie said that coffee stained your teeth so I decided to try tea.” Jannis poured water into the coffee maker. “Ok, so you had your first lover’s spat. Can you not be an asshole?” His face still looked concerned.

 

“It’s just transfers. He’s worried. I’m worried. I think I snapped at him yesterday. It’s all a blur. He suggested we take some time apart.” Julian bit his lip.

 

Jannis turned on the coffee maker and the familiar gurgle stared. He turned back to Julian and sighed. “As long as you don’t break up, he’s my friend too.” Julian felt the blood drain out of his face and he put his hand to steady himself on the counter. “I’m kidding, Ju. Obviously not a good time. You two will figure it out, you always do even if it takes you a while. Remember when you said that Modrić was better than Özil? He wouldn’t talk to you for a week.”

 

Julian cracked a smile. “Yeah, you’re right. He always needs time.”

 

Jannis patted him on the pack. “There you go. Ok, let’s play some Fortnite.” He walked back to the living room and then shouted, “Thank God Kai liked you back. The alternative would have been torture.”

 

Julian laughed and felt some of the tension come out of his shoulders. He got out his phone and texted Kai:

 

_Sorry about last night. I’m just stressed about transfers. I’d like to talk about it whenever you’re ready._

 

A few hours later when he and Jannis went to eat lunch, he checked his phone again.

 

_Read at 8:57._

 

They wouldn’t talk until after the Leipzig game a week later.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Leipzig and make up pasta.

A lone shower was running. The hushed conversation of a post defeat dressing room was long gone, most players had already slipped out to sleep the loss away. Julian stood facing the door of the dressing room but he didn’t see it. His eyes weren’t working. Instead his mind was playing the final whistle, the missed chances, the defensive mistakes, the bad passes…everything. Everything that could have—no should have been converted into a goal. The bitter thing in the pit of his stomach grew until it reached the tip of his fingers and the bottom of his heels. This was the third game in a row. Third. Game. In. A. Row. That they’d lost. The champions league spot was slipping out of their fingers faster than he could comprehend.

 

From the next room, he heard the shower stop and then the squeaking of flip flops against the floor. He knew he should turn around or leave, not alarm the person walking out of the showers with his catatonic state…but he felt so heavy and so weak he couldn’t turn around. Suddenly he felt arms slip around him and wet hair tickle his neck.

 

“Come here.” Kai said, as if Julian wasn’t already enveloped in a signature Havertz post-shower-shirtless-fragrant-of-shampoo-hug. These were the best kinds of hugs because not only were they usually frequent but they also were done with the upmost care in the world. But Julian didn’t think he’d be getting one, not after not talking to Kai for a week.

 

But he couldn’t hold it back anymore. The big fat tears rolled down his face and his lip wobbled until a sob escaped. Kai squeezed him tighter and gently kissed his neck.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He said, over and over again, falling into Kai’s embrace that he missed so much. He didn’t know what he was saying sorry for, the game or what he had said last week or something else.

 

“Shhh, shhh.” Kai said, turning him around and wiping the tears way with the corner of his sleeve. “I’m sorry I didn’t text you back all week.” Julian bit his lip and swallowed. Crying more was the last thing he wanted to do.

 

Kai looked at him and smiled, the biggest smile Julian had seen in a while. “I missed you.” The smile faltered slightly when Julian’s stayed upset.

 

“Why didn’t you talk to me for week?” His voice came out more hurt than he meant it to.

 

Kai’s arms fell from Julian and he walked to the lockers to get his stuff. “I just needed to process everything and focus on the game.” He came back over to Julian. “You know it always takes me time to get over things. Sensitive. You said it yourself.” He reached in his bag and pulled out…Julian's jacket?

 

Julian gaped. “You had that this whole time? I was wondering where that went after Amsterdam.” Kai smiled secretly and put it around Julian’s shoulder’s.

 

“Come on, Schatz. Let’s go to my place. I’ll make you some Pasta and we can talk.” He put his arm around Julian and kissed him on the temple. They walked out of the dressing room, hand in hand, into the cool dark night.

 

—

 

“I only have shells.” Kai was kneeling down in front of his kitchen cabinet.

 

Julian sat on the couch in the living room that was connected to the kitchen. He was pretending to read the Kicker magazine that was lying on Kai’s coffee table. When he looked at Kai, he saw a worried expression on his boyfriend’s face. “What’s wrong with stuffed shells?”

 

Kai gave him a blank stare. “I’ve never made them.”

 

They stared at each other for a moment before Julian got up with a smile. “I can help,” he said, giving Kai a hand off the floor.

 

Kai fell into his arms. “But noooo, I wanted to make dinner for you because _I’m_ the one who ignored you for a week.”

 

Julian squeezed him back, breathing in the familiar shampoo smells and smiling into his neck. “Then you should have bought some pasta you knew how to make.” Kai looked at him, his lips forming a pout. “Kidding, diggah, it’s gonna be fun. Come on, what kind of stuffed shells do you want to make?”

 

They found a recipe called labeled  _easy_ so that Kai could make it on his own. Julian was happy just to sit at the counter and watch his boyfriend. Whenever Kai would look over from whatever he was doing, he would catch Julian’s eyes tracing his body and blush ferociously.

 

“You’ve gotta stop doing that Julian, I’m going to drop this hot pot of tomato sauce.” Kai said, giggling.

 

Julian smirked. “Then you’ve gotta stop looking so good.”

 

Kai threw a dish towel at him. “You’re so cheesy I can’t stand you.” But his grin was so big it was like it was going to break his face.

 

Julian laughed and then stopped abruptly, remembering the last week. “So. Let’s talk.”

 

Kai put the tray of shells into the oven and wiped off his hands. He came over and sat opposite of Julian. “Yes.” He took a deep breath and grabbed Julian’s hand. “Your transfer decision: Don’t— Don’t worry about me, Jule. Really, don’t. You have your whole world ahead of you and I know it’s a hard decision. I don’t want to be part of that stress for you.” He was looking down at the patterns on the counter. _Just like I was looking at the patterns of the leather seat._

 

Julian squeezed his hand back. “You don’t make it hard for me Kai. You never have.” Kai looked up at him with a questioning look in his eyes. “I’m the one that doesn’t want to leave you. I couldn’t stand not talking to you for a week, how am I going to manage a whole season?”

 

Kai patted his hand and smiled softly. “That’s what I thought about this week. I thought about what would happen if you left.” He paused and looked behind him at the cooking shells before looking back at Julian. “We can work it out. I’m willing to be with you—“ He ducked his head down, his face now more red than ever. “—across any distance,” he mumbled.

 

Julian was stunned. Ever since he could remember, Kai had not wanted him to leave. Under any circumstances. His sad _can’t stay at Leverkusen forever_ from when Julian bought the “Gladbach” jacket still lingered in his ears. The constant worried _just keep me updated_  after any transfer rumor came up. The panicked _you know we’re gonna get into the UCL season, you don’t have to worry, I promise._ And suddenly, he changed his tune?

 

Kai was looking up at him now, searching his face for a reaction. He looked almost worried, his eyebrows arching slightly, but also so…earnest. Like he had never meant anything in his life as much as he meant what he just said. Despite his red blushing face.

 

Something in Julian was quieted. Some worry that had been gnawing away at his stomach, every time he looked at Kai was suddenly…gone. He was still anxious and stressed at the thought of the big decision he had to make at the end of the season, but he had Kai with him. No matter what.

 

He leaned across the table and kissed Kai’s head. “I love you so much.”

 

Kai broke into another smile. “Oh thank god, you were silent for a while there, thought I’d scared you off.”

 

Their heads were close together over the counter and hands intertwined. Julian couldn’t help but kiss him again. “Well? Do you love me too or are you just going to leave me hanging?”

 

Kai grinned. “You idiot, of course I love you too. I thought I was already cheesy enough.”

 

“You can never be cheesy enough with my, Schatz.” The oven started beeping. “Now please don’t burn the shells you made me.” Kai kissed him and went up to get them.

 

And they ended up being quite a delicious meal. Almost made up for not talking for a week. At least, that’s what he told Kai when they finished his meal.

 

As they were putting away the dishes, Julian asked, “You won’t do that again will you? Completely cut me off?” His heart was hammering in his chest.

 

Kai paused mid-stacking plates. He looked down at the ground and then at Julian. “No. I won't do that again.” He went over to Julian and wrapped his arms around him. “I’m sorry. I need to be better.”

 

Julian tucked his nose into the crook of Kai’s neck. “It’s ok. We both do.”

 

Later that night, as they lay intertwined in his bed in the darkness, Kai said, “You can take the jacket back. Sorry I…kinda stole it.” He laughed softly into Julian’s hair.

 

Julian looked up at him. “Nah, you keep it. It looks good on you. It’s nice to see you in my black and white thing.”

 

Even in the darkness he could see Kai smile. “It’s nice to be in your black and white thing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- thank you for all your supportive kudos/comments throughout this story, honestly i'm not very proud of it but i hope it gets the point across...love is messy but strong if you work at it...and also a self care fic if they indeed end up being separated this season


End file.
